Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Still conscious despite all this choking.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. The Boyfriend usually reacts negatively when I try to explain a problem to him, but why I let this silence me is beyond me. I can't bring myself to talk to him, I constantly choke on my words. And I want so badly to talk, to explain, to make him understand, and I know he wants that of me. So why can't I do it??! Why do we always gotta go through this same routine?! Why do I do this to myself, to him, to us?? I even tried organizing my thoughts on a piece of paper so that I wouldn't stumble over my words or lose my train of thought, but the moment he stepped into the room I lost all my nerve. And then ended up rambling and making no sense.

Alright. Time to suck it up and try this again. I can do this. DAMNIT.

Let me point out that if I'm not terribly upset, I'm usually able to vocalize my thoughts, and he's pretty understanding. No fuss, no temper tantrums, just two adults having a conversation and finding a resolution. But if I've been really stewing and something sets me off...I can feel myself being strangled, and nothing comes out. Sigh.

I'm sorry, Rich.

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