Fuck-mess. I'm keeping that one in my vocab.

So much to do, so little motivation to get it done. This fuck-mess of a file plan to organize, cleaning out the rest of my stuff from the house, unpacking, etc. Give me one good reason to give a damn that I could get behind for the time being until I drag myself from this funk. All I wanna do is read and play Guitar Hero/Rock Band to keep the eternal loneliness of my apartment and the never-ending racing thoughts in my brain at bay.

I think I know now why I am not too social around Rich’s friends, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t relate to them. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fun people that I genuinely like. But I can’t seem to get myself to move past the “acquaintance” phase into the “drinking buddy” or “genuine friend” phase with them. Every time Rich brings me around them, all they’re doing is drinking. And I love a stiff drink or three as much as the next person, but I need more than booze to help me bond with someone. And the joint outings consist of bars, more bars, Buffalo Wild Wings, and even more bars. It makes me nostalgic for all the non-alcoholic outings I used to have with my friends: City Museum, Cahokia Mounds, the movies, laser tag. (Alright, some drinking was involved, but that wasn’t the sole purpose of our coming together is the point I’m trying to make.) I miss hanging out with my friends, but it sucks when I do and I’m the only on present without his or her significant other. Rich doesn’t like my friends, and they don’t like him. Chris brings Rachel; Leach brings his ex, Michelle; Jae brings Cory. And I bring…myself. Great.

Plain and simple: I can’t bond over booze. Let’s go to the pool (went swimming once with Tom and Justin; great fun, even with the two of them sloshed as they were), Six Flags, Forest Park; any place where booze isn’t the only thing bringing us together. Then maybe we could move from one phase to the other, and I would no longer feel so left out at social gatherings.