September 2012.

I'm bored.

1 September:

(1) Call me crazy, but I am loving this early morning cool mugginess. It reminds me of Adjuntas. It feels like I'm waking up at Abuela's for some café con leche, pan de agua, and corazones, mmm.
(2) Facebook keeps showing me trending article about the Teen Moms. How can I put this delicately? Dear Facebook: I could not give less of a fuck about adolescent morons who were too stupid to use condoms and are too irresponsible [t]o take care of their children, whose stupidity and lack of responsibility and desire for negative attention has been validated and encouraged by the garbage that is reality TV. Zero. Fucks. Given.
 

2 September:

(1) How do I know that [Sir Haggis] is awake on the other side of the house? He keeps poking me on Facebook. I'm poking back. At some point, I'm sure we'll both get up, say good morning, and sit down for a cup of coffee.
(2) My sly-as-fuck ginger roommate smuggled the Bailey's flan outta the house! Can't trust those sneaky gingers!! (That's okay, she left the Bailey's brownies smothered with peanut butter, drizzled with chocolate syrup, and topped with caramel bits, omnomnom.)
 

3 September:

My brain is unable to comprehend the how or the why of false death rumors.
 

4 September:

(1) What is this foul yellow disc in the sky that burns my skin? *hissss*
(2) Made a left turn out of the BX/commissary parking lot at this time of day without having to kill anyone for the privilege. I deserve an award for this.
(3) I am owning the ever-living shit out of this Tuesday. FUCK YES.
(4) "Davi, if SoCo wasn't on your foot, then Simi would be on your foot. But if Simi wasn't on your foot, then there wouldn't be a cat on your foot." My mind has been blown by six-year-old logic.
 

5 September:

(1) What did I do on my lunch break? Some cleaning at home. The hell is wrong with me?!
(2) *excruciating lower back pain* Dear Twenty-Seven-Year-Old Body, stop behaving like that of an eighty-seven-year-old. Srsly. Stop that.
(3) I am the boss of the ginger princeling for the next 13 hours. *evil laughter*
 

6 September:

(1) So apparently the ginger roommate, devourer of souls, is also the stealer of yawns??
(2) Hey, Friday. Did you hear about how I made Tuesday and Thursday my bitched? You're next. I WILL FUCKING OWN YOU, FRIDAY.
 

8 September:

(1) In a ridiculously good mood this morning, even tho the major won't let me take home the picture of General Schwartz to hang above my bed.
(2) Fordski: Starting on the 12th, we're gonna be slammed with homework [at ALS].
Me: So I'm not gonna see you for a while.
F: No, you'll see me!
Me: *warm amd fuzzy*
F: You have [Microsoft] Word. There's gonna be a lot of writing!
Me: >_<
 

9 September:

(1) As of today, I have been serving in the Air Force for nine years. Almost a decade. I don't feel old AT ALL.
(2) Look at all the fucks I don't give about football! Look at them!

10 September:

(1) If a person deletes you from their friend list, but continues to "Poke" you on an almost daily basis, does it mean he/she regrets deleting you, but is too proud to admit it?? 
(2) I shake my fist at you, pre-calculus! I shake it angrily!!
(3) It appears I have forgotten how to solve quadratic equations. *sigh*
(4) WHOA WHOA WHOA. NOBODY TOLD ME THERE WAS GEOMETRY INVOLVED.
 

11 September:

(1) Ginger: Every morning should be like this. A man in my bed, a woman in the kitchen.
(2) "If I don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing." - Fordski's roommate.
 

12 September:

Sometimes the words people post on the internet scare the living piss outta me.

13 September:

I am 27 years old and I totally coasted thru the commissary parking lot on my shopping cart like a 7-yr-old. Zero fucks given.
 

14 September:

(1) I thought up a new word @ 0430: cakepensation. The act of giving cake as compensation.
(2) Watched the Thunderbirds flying around earlier. After 9 years, I still get ridiculously excited and feel immense pride when I see a military plane in the air. Now there just needs to be a C-5 at the air show tomorrow, and my weekend will be complete.
 

17 September:

(1) Stupid rain. I tolerate you for the sake of the plant kingdom.
(2) I'm sick of all these pages sharing pictures of kids with cancer or Down's Syndrome or some sort of physical trauma. They're only doing it for the "likes" and the "shares", and it's disgusting. Don't play into their hands.
(3) Check me out, strutting around with my new library card. I feel like such a hipster.

 

20 September:

So the ginger princeling wanted to have a dance party RIGHT MEOW before being sent to bed, and we were willing to oblige him, but only if we could get him to dance to Gangnam Style and get it on video. The video played for about 20 seconds, and he made it very clear he'd rather be sent to bed without the dance party. Kids these days don't know how to appreciate good music.

21 September:

I was gonna say Brentwood, Missouri, can kiss my ass...then I saw the Irish karaoke pub. Yeah, give yourself a moment to let that amazingness sink in.

22 September:

The reciprocating saw and the glue gun are out. This cannot end well for [Sir Haggis].

24 September:

Go away, Monday. You're not wanted. You're never wanted. I spoke to the other days of the week, and they don't like you either. Just go kill yourself, Monday.

25 September:

Facebook, I'm gonna need you to stop recommending Paul Ryan as a page I might like. That's not happening.
 

26 September:

(1) I am twenty-seven years old. And adult. Sometimes I’m a complete failure at adulthood, but legally I am an adult. I am not in high school, I am not a kid. Those who call themselves “adults” seem to love using Facebook as a medium for their passive-aggressive tendencies rather than confront their problems head on. If you have an issue with me, please feel free to deal with me directly. I promise I won’t bite.

However, if you have a problem with a family member or friend, you need to confront them directly. That is the right way to do it. The wrong way to do it is to drag me into the middle and harass me. The wrong way to do it is to drag children into the middle and slander them. It is inappropriate and immature; frankly, it disgusts me. And do not expect me to ever, ever take you seriously if you have the spelling and grammar skills of a three-year-old; or if you insult my military service just because you’re irritated with me.
(2) I was a spelling goddess in elementary school. I will expect no less from my children.
 

27 September:

(1) This TV character just said, "Slick as a frog fart." I have a new saying.
(2) This episode of Nap Thursday, starring the Dread Pirate Davi, the Ginger Prince, Simi, and Ewok, is brought to you by Narcolepsy!
(3) I can't figure out why Costco is sending me e-mails in Spanish.
 

28 September:

(1) [Ginger Prince] referred to the tiny pieces of dog poo on the floor as "poop crumbs". I can feel my breakfast rebelling in my tummeh.
(2) Dear Spotify, I don't appreciate you telling the world which songs are played on repeat in my car.

My New Year resolution is holding up.

That's right. It's mid-March, and my resolution to get fit and healthy once and for all is still going strong.

I'm down 11 lbs; 14 to go to meet my goal! I've set mini-goals for myself. I had to lose 5 by 31 January, 5 by 28 Feb, and now another 5 by 31 March. At this rate, I'll be down over 20 lbs by the time Fordski comes home in May. I will look fabulous!

I do not crave greasy, heavy foods anymore. If I do, and I indulge, my digestive system rebels. I love that the PointsPlus system with Weight Watchers is aimed towards getting more fruits and veggies in your diet. I can snack on a banana between meals, and it's zero points! I've also gone organic, and my body now hates processed foods. I don't drink soda, the only candy I'll eat is dark chocolate that is 70% cocoa, and if I can't pronounce the ingredients, I won't eat it.

Yay me!

Cheddar bay biscuit warning.

Use regular baking mix, not the gluten free one. Otherwise the taste will be off.

Cheddar fucking bay biscuits.

Please excuse the language. This is exactly how I got the recipe from imgur.com. My notes are italicized.

4 cups baking mix - Bob's Red Mill Biscuit and Baking Mix, Gluten Free
1-1/3 cup water
4 oz shredded sharp cheddar - fat free, 1 cup
Mix until as firm as your resolve. Helpful as fuck: dough will be quite sticky.
Space evenly on tray.
Bake at 375 ○ FREEDOM for 10 - 12 minutes, or 8 minutes at 400○.
Meanwhile, combine:
1/2 cup melted butter - Smart Balance Buttery Sticks
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp dried parsley
1/8 tsp salt
A grind of black pepper
Get ready to brush shit as it comes out of the oven.
SUCK MY DICK
RED LOBSTER

Weight Watchers PointsPlus value: 2 pts per biscuit

A nightmare featuring something never seen.

I was out for a stroll on a road. A man was jogging up ahead, and on the right I passed a homeless man dozing on the side of the road. I walked for another minute before looking back to find that the homeless man was up and now walking behind me. I could not see his face; his was looking down, and his long hair that hung past his shoulders was covering his face. This made me nervous, so I walked faster.

Suddenly he broke into a run. I tried calling out to the jogger ahead of me, but he did not seem to hear me. The homeless man caught up to me, then passed me, then started jogging backwards before me. He was looking up at me now, with an awful grin on his face.

I was terrified now, but suddenly the jogger appeared and engaged in fisticuffs with the homeless man. Now, bear in mind that this was all rather frightening within the nightmare. My REM cycle had no room for amusement. So the hilarity of what followed did not register until I was awake.

I realized the jogger was none other than Keanu Reeves. Perhaps you've heard of him? He appeared in this trilogy years ago in which his character is a metapher for Jesus and he saves mankind for a computer. Or something like that. Anywho, I was trying to figure out, as he wrestled the homeless man, why his face looked strange. It took me a minute, but I realized what was so wrong about him

He was angry...and expressing this emotion...with his face. His facial featured were arranged in a manner so as to convey aggression. It's a shame I can not clearly recall what this looked like, for I surely shall never see anything quite like this again.

August 2012 mashup.

5 August:

Conservatives want smaller gov't, yet to me they come off as hypocritical when former governors from states outside of Missouri come to the area with political ads to tell me who to send to Congress to represent my state.
 

Sitting here, surrounded by cats, crocheting. And as I act the part of an 85-yr-old, I find myself pulling someone's hair out of the piece I'm crocheting. *cough* [Ginger Queen] *cough*
 

 6 August:

What, you think being an indifferent, sarcastic, embittered pagan in her late 20s just happens naturally? This takes work! You're welcome.
 

11 August:

Got [Ginger Queen] moved in yesterday!! From there, we all proceeded to fall apart in my living room from exhaustion. I keep forgetting there's a dog living here now. I'm surprised everytime I see Ewok, and think to myself, O hey, I'm a dog person now! :P Thanks to the boys for helping out Thursday and Friday!!
 

It takes 3.5 adults to entertain a boy of 6 years. Exactly 3.5 adults.
 

14 August:

Watched A New Hope, and the whole movie someone was either talking, singing, or sleeping. Don't ever have us over to watch movies.
 

15 August:

My domestic partnership is over before it had even begun! She was stolen right out from under my nose!

I have been declared the Queen of [Ginger Princeling], and he is my guard.
 

[Ginger Princeling] has sworn never to play Wii again, because I would not let him play the castle level on New Super Mario Bros. 
 

17 August:

"Beat my sausage!" Says my 6-yr-old roommate as he holds his fork aloft, a piece of breakfast sausage skewered on the end.
 

21 August:

Damnit, [Redhead], gossiping over the phone is inadequate. Run away and live with me forever. Simi will make room on the bed for you, and then I'll have TWO hot redheads all to myself. ;)
Comments:
Ginger Queen: I think you have to share me now, so this is getting awkward and a little kinky
Redhead: I like kinky. Lol.
 

Pulled one of [Ginger Queens] hairs off my face while driving?!

Tuesday, 28 August:

You do not need a passport to travel to Puerto Rico, Guam, the US Virgin Islands, or the Mariana Islands. #ObscureFactTuesday

 

Puerto Rico is geographically, politically, and somewhat culturally separate from Mexico. #ObscureFactTuesday

 

Puerto Ricans do not speak Mexican. #ObscureFactTuesday

 

Puerto Ricans are US citizens. #ObscureFactTuesday

 

Puerto Rico does, in fact, have things like airports and gas stations. #ObscureFact Tuesday

 

The United States of America has one rain forest: El Yunque, in Puerto Rico. #ObscureFactTuesday

 

The lowest US Postal Code (zip code) is 00601. It belongs to Adjuntas, Puerto Rico. #ObscureFactTuesday

From a cousin, in response to this Obscure Fact Tuesday:

Your pro- Puerto Rico posts remind me of when I was a girl living in Louisiana... when I told my friends I was going to move to PR, they were shocked, and they would ask retard questions like... How do people take baths, Is their running water?? How are you going to buy food? Do you have to go by boat?? ji ji.... lol

 

29 August:

Asked the 6-yr-old how I looked. Got a head nod. Guess I look fabulous.
 

"They sound like the Borg," says [Sir Haggis], as the NCO-selectees give their oath. I have to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. Can't say stuff like that to me!!
 

31 August:

[Ginger Princeling] gave me a butter cup. [Ginger Queen] asked him, "Is Davi your buttercup?" He nodded.

This is not the ninja you are looking for.

From 20 June:

Okay, kids, let us set the record straight.

I am a pirate. A dread pirate. Very, very dread.

I am not a ninja. I am clumsy and drop things and fall off coffee tables. True story.

Also, pirates and ninjas are mortal enemies. I am pretty sure it's a federal offense to be both a pirate AND a ninja.

This public service announcement is brought to you by the Dread Pirate Davi. You may now return to your regularly scheduled REM cycle.

This is not the tyranny you are looking for.

From 28 June:

Not gonna lie...not too concerned about "Obamacare". Maybe because I realize that true tyranny isn't being "taxed" for not having health insurance. Tyranny is having something as basic as driving to work restricted based on your gender; being shot at by the government for protesting; being imprisoned and sentenced to death for being gay or being the wrong religion or ethnic group; being slaughtered over rights to natural resources; dying of hunger and thirst by the thousands or millions while the ruling power(s) live in luxury. I don't feel I have it that bad here. What we have, my friends, are first world problems. I can live with that, as long as I can drive to work, worship freely as a pagan, eat three meals a day, and have a roof over my head with electricity, running (and drinkable) water, a/c and heating. I don't have to wear any headgear to leave the house, I don't have to be escorted anywhere, and I don't have to worry that tomorrow some armed rebel group is gonna come and steal [Fiance] and force him to fight for them. I'm feeling pretty free from where I'm standing.

 

Separate status, same day:

Socialism? Where?? I didn't realize I was living in North Korea, starving and forced to listen to propoganda blaring over speakers as I pretend on a daily basis to live in a village near a DMZ ao the world thinks we're better off than we actually are. 

March Madness tomfoolery.

From 16 March:

I would like to extend my sincerest condolences to everyone who lost a bracket today in the great tragedy that was the loss of Mizzou. Your brackets were to beautiful and pure for this world, and will be sorely missed by all who put their blood, sweat, and money into the crafting of these predictions. May they rest in peace until the second coming of Elvis. Amen.

Shun the nonsense.

Davi's Facebook status on 6 February: Please join me in a 48-hour shun of [my Brother], Chariot Master, beginning now.
Comments:
Redhead: why are we shunning him? *Shuns [Brother]*
Me: Because he deserves it. Do you think I'd shun someone without a very good reason?
Sarah: Is this because of the pictures? I liked them. They made me smile. Plus it reminds me of how much I need to come back and actually spend a whole night out with you guys
Brother: no, this is because a few people read something i posted incorrectly. [I am unable to recall what he was referring to.] alternately, a whole night in *wink*

Brother's Facebook status on 6 February: please join me in a 48-hour counter-shun of [Davi], my little sister, beginning now.
Comments:
Me: That's gonna be bad for business...o, wait...
Ginger Queen: I'm anti boycott
Drunk Kris: I am Switzerland, I take no sides. However, I will take all your money!
Ginger Queen: And put it in a bank??
Drunk Kris: Sure... In exchange you can have some chocolate!
Sarah: Can I be part of both?
Brother: sure. chris and chad are already supporting both sides.
Chad: Shunnnnn the unbelievers!
Ginger Queen: Mmm chocolate, can I get some of the fun chocolate from Amsterdam??
[Ginger Queen adds me on FB.]
Ginger Queen: The shunning failed, we're now fb friends

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard??

Okay, this one is from 4 February, and I really wanna name the person who said it, but I need permission first.

"I had sex for a chocolate shake."

No thank you, Facebook.

From 15 February:

Facebook is suggesting a guy named Guarionex as a friend. I remember that dude. He was the commander of the Army JRTOC rifle team, which I was a member of during my freshman year. But I was only a member for one semester. Why? Because after I turned him down when he asked me out, and instead went out with another guy, he made up an excuse to kick me off the team. The excuse? I went to use the bathroom without his permission. So no, Facebook, I do not wish to add this person to my friend list. But thanks for the trip down memory lane!

Stupid politics.

From 17 February:

For the record, I don't like big government anymore than anyone else. I like freedom. I like a secular gov't that leaves faith out of the equation. I like states being able to write their own laws without interference from interest groups in completely different states. I like being able to live my life without being told how to live it, how to take care of my own body, and who to marry. That's why I can't get behind either political party. I cannot 100 percent agree with either side. Regardless of which party is in power, we will have too much gov't shoved down our throats. The end.

In case you're wondering, I'm looking for funny/cool/important stuff I've posted on FB over the past year that I want to be able to come back and look at. Scrolling through my blog is a lot less complicated than scrolling through my timeline.

DOMA sucks.

From 18 February:

I want to share this rant posted by a girl who was one of my best friends when I lived in Puerto Rico. We were in the JROTC together, and we both knew from a young age we wanted to serve our country. She is a member of the Air National Guard and mother of an adorable little boy. Miss you, Vilmar.
'D.O.M.A. Act sucks!!! R.O.M.A. Act should kick its ass!!! It really pisses me off how there is always...

something that segregates us gays and lesbians from just being normal. Who gives a flying fuck who I marry and makes me happy... And If I marry.. Shouldn't I have the same right as anyone else??? I do have a respected family of my own... If I wanted to serve my country, why would I have to marry a man in order to be considered eligible for active duty... I want a strong independent woman who makes me happy and would never leave my side.. But thanks to this D.O.M.A. Act... No, I can't... So no benefits for my wife... The woman who stands by me and supports me in battle... We are not recognized as "married" due to this act. Now congress passed the R.O.M.A. Soo hopefully this proceeds fairly quickly so this injustice ends... An it ends now... "vilmar ( Bill)"'

GOYA.

From February 29th:

During a late afternoon/early evening nap, I dreamt that I was in Florida heading to a concert with Jenelle and Ant when we stopped at a store. This store specialized in two things: Goya products and seafood. This store was selling lobster for $6.90 a pack!! Dee Dee was there, and we were in seafood heaven. Then [Fiance] was there, and I was excitedly telling him about the seafood deals...and then I woke up. I wish that store was real.