Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I was taken to church on Sundays, I went to Sunday school sporadically, and though never confirmed I did marry Ex in a Catholic church.
I was, once upon a time, a devout but imperfect Christian. Growing up, I questioned the tenets of my faith, the "facts" of the Bible. A lot of things didn't add up for me. But ultimately, it was the hypocrisy and intolerance of so-called Christians like Clint McCance that drove me away from established Christianity and towards a path of worship of my own choosing (neo-paganism is my flavor now).
A school board member, Mr McCance stated on his Facebook page that as far as he was concerned in regards to the recent Spirit Day, he'd wear purple when all the gays had killed themselves. Good for you, asshole.
As a Christian, I was taught that God loved all creation, sin or no sin. I read in the Bible about Jesus telling his followers to love not only their neighbors, but their enemies as well. Mr McCance, you are no Christian. Neither is anyone who hates or expresses intolerance for anyone who is different or follows a different set of rules.
And to the person I parked next to this morning with the big "Where's the Birth Certificate?" sticker on the back of their car...REALLY???? Stop it. Thx. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to run for president without adequate proof of natural citizenship.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Me: meant to send the following to Canuck: "I wish I could have recorded the last 30 seconds between myself and Macgyver. Srsly, the things he says!!!!"
guess who i sent it to instead????
Redhead: wow....your smart...
Me: I KNOW
why are you still there?!?!
Redhead: working hun
told ya..i work long hours here
Redhead: i just told them [them being her team] about your little mishap...we all laughed..
good thing macgyver likes you
Me: goddamn you to the fiery bowels of hell, you redheaded wench of the apocalypse
Redhead: you know you love me..
Me: that's debatable atm
gave me something to tell that was funny...
Me: ah, i see in my misfortune i have finally come through for you
ARE YOU HAPPY
Redhead: yes...yes i am...
Happy goddamn Tuesday.
Dread Pirate Davi: Champion of Turtles everywhere. Okay, not so much, but I do feel pretty good about it. Hopefully the Goddess approves.
If only others could be as easily saved. Hang in there, Laggin. <3
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Months have passed since you were last seen in the Blogosphere. This makes me a sad panda. Every time one of my favorite bloggers goes off the radar for an extended period of time, it always seems to be because of real life turmoil. I sincerely hope that this is not the case with you. I hope everything is going well in your new endeavors, and that soon you will return to update us on all the wonderful happenings.
The Dread Pirate Davi
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Me: Brothers; can't live with them...
Brother: oh. as in "can't beat them over the head with an indonesian fighting spoon.
Me: Can't live with them; can't live without them. Only this morning, the second part didn't seem to apply. I don't own an Indonesian anything. I wouldn't hesitate to wollop [sp] you over the head, though.
Brother: but you can't live without me. even if i'm just lurking in the background.
Me: On this fine Friday morning, sir, one might say that is debatable. Go back to couch.
Anywho. I pose a question to you, my eternally limited audience. When dry humping occurs in a swimming pool, is it still called dry humping?
Also, two pieces of advice. Never fuck with a redhead. That's one. Two, never fuck with a Scorpio. And if you happen to be acquainted with a redheaded Scorpio, walk softly and don't even bother carrying a stick, 'cause the bitch carries an aluminum bat and will not hesitate to beat the shit out of you.
This post is lovingly dedicated to my psycho Redhead.
It's even becoming more difficult for soldier and civilian to converse. Army Capt. Stefan Hutnik, a company commander in Afghanistan, recalls being home from a combat tour and being told by his wife, as they were headed out to a family dinner, please don't talk about the Army or the war. "But,'' he said sadly, "I don't have anything else to talk about.''
For the record: While I did go TDY (temporary duty) to Doha, Qatar, I do not count this as a deployment. No one does.
I am dressed, ready to go. I walk over to the game room. He's been gaming the whole time! And nary a peep from the fellow! I express my surprise. He just looks at me. I explain that I haven't heard any yelling or cursing. He just looks at me some more. Then says, "You're a dork."
Brother: why the hell do you like the yankees so much.
Me: It's in my blood. Why do you care?
Brother: adam and i were talking about the yanks last night over beer and pizza
Me: What the hell do you know about baseball?
Brother: i know it's like golf, but with running. i also know that steinbrenner likes to pad the yanks with players that cost way too much.
Me: Steinbrenner is dead.
Me: Are you in today?
Brother: nope. may be in later, depending on my desire to shower and leave the house, though.
Me: Anyways, I repeat the question, wth do you know about baseball??
Brother: golf with running. also, that i have no interest in it other than to push your buttons.
Me: Not golf with running. Go back to bed.
Brother: /ahem...couch. i'm going back to couch.
Me: JUST DO IT.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
This public service announcement is brought to you by The Dread Pirate Davi.
- The maker does not want it. The buyer does not use it. The user does not see it.
- What is a vampire's favorite food?
- How does a pumpkin quit smoking?
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Answers to be provided at a later time. (Don't give it away, Canuck!!)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I, the Dread Pirate Davi, highly encourage you, my incredibly small audience, to adopt the same practice in your daily routine. Because every time you do, a fairy gets its wings. Or...no, wait...an alligator. An alligator learns to smile. Um. Listen, just do it, okay? Thanks.
Monday: The day started with a lovely family breakfast that involved everyone eating scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits as their faces were glued to their respective laptops:
Friday, October 8, 2010
A bag of microwaveable steamed rice.
A bag of microwaveable steamed broccoli.
Frozen de-veined, tailless shrimp.
Freshly-ground black pepper.
One egg. (Or two, if you like.)
Microwave the bags, rice first. While waiting, heat up the butter in a skillet over medium heat, and toss in the garlic to taste (I like a lot; you might not). Toss in the thawed shrimp. Toss in the rice when it's ready, and pour in soy sauce to taste. Make sure you're stirring as you cook. (If the rice isn't FULLY cooked when it comes out of the bag, don't worry about it; once all the ingredients are in, put a lid on the skillet and whatever moisture is trapped in there will finish it off.) Throw in the broccoli when it's ready, and then add your egg(s). Keep stirring so spread the egg around as it cooks. Add black pepper to taste.
And for my next trick...flan! Stay tuned...
I was driving and talking on my cell phone, which is illegal in the state of Illinois...but I had left Illinois hours ago. And I wasn't stopping to ask about local driving laws. I had somewhere to be.
"Well, Fabio*, I don't know what to tell you. I tried to keep things light when I accounced the results in the hopes that Tassel* would be less inclined towards vindictiveness. But, of course, I underestimated his love for barbecue, and must now pay the price for allowing a fair vote on Big Mama's Barbecue versus Buffalo Wild Wings." I pulled over real quick, put Fabio on speaker phone, and grabbed a box from the glove compartment. "Hey, do me a favor," I said, as I reached into the backseat to grab my shotgun off the floor, "just to be on the safe side, delete my address from the recall roster." I loaded a couple of rounds in the gun.
"Ha, right," he laughed, as if I'd cracked a joke. "That'll keep him away."
"Doesn't matter," I said, checking to make sure the knife I'd slid in my boot before fleeing was still there, "he'll find that I've already burnt the place to the ground. They'll find bodies matching mine and Fiance's dental records." I kept him on the speaker phone, placed the shotgun back on the floor in the backseat, and threw a blanket over it. "If you need me for anything, go to the Hagia Sophia in Turkey. Ask for Leroy McRory. Give him a slip of paper with the following numbers on it: 5-7-89-52-6. You wait four hours, and walk over to the crypt. I'll be waiting there." I threw the car into drive and pulled back onto Interstate 95 heading north.
"Oh. Gotcha." He sounded surprised. "So, you called in The Eraser? Damn, that Arnold is fast."
"What?" I asked, distracted. "Oh, no, no. Arnold is in retirement now. But he offers an exclusive top secret educational seminar in Napa Valley every Tuesday for anyone looking to drop off the radar...permanently. You should look into it."
"Is it pricey?"
I swerved to avoid a possum. What the fuck is a possum doing on the interstate? "Meh, kinda, but mention my name, you'll get a referral discount. Listen, gotta run." I hung up without waiting for a response, and tossed the phone out the window. My scalp was itchy; stupid wig. You shell out $2000 for a decent wig, and it's still itchy as fuck.
I went through my mental checklist again. Fiance and I had parted ways; he was on his way to the Caymans with a hefty settlement, ready to start a new life without me. He got SoCo, I kept Simi. He wasn't happy about that, but I'll be damned if I ever hit the road without that stupid cat to act as lookout during a heist. Fiance was gonna be just fine, and I've got my favorite Stuffed Rabbit in my rucksack.**
As for me, I was heading to the UK. I was thinking early retirement; wouldn't be my first one, probably wouldn't be my last. But what can I say? I piss off the wrong people pretty easily, and I'm not about to change who I am. So here I am, at the top of Ben Nevis in spring, watching the sun set. It's drizzling a little, but I'm okay with that. Simi and the Stuffed Rabbit are waiting for me back at the bed-and-breakfast. Don't bother trying to find the Dread Pirate Davi...she'll find you, when the time is right. And you better have some goddamn rum or hard cider for her.
*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
**A story for another time.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
We had an early start to our day, but our morning was lazily spent sipping coffee, eating breakfast sandwiches, watching Netflix. Fiance went to nap, and we headed out to a winery fifteen minutes away to enjoy the sunny but chilly weather, take pictures of the lovely scenery, and enjoy some lunch (which we had to wait on for a hour, pbut what are you gonna do).
They bought me Windows 7 as a belated birthday present, and Dad successfully resuscitated my long-comatose HP laptop, yay!! Fiance awoke from his slumber, and we went to a fancy-schmancy steak house for…well, steak, DUH.
And now we’re sitting around watching Mission: Impossible III. A pleasant day, all around.