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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why why why why why why why why

Why is it so hard to find the words I need to describe, to convey my thoughts and my feelings?? Why is it so hard to channel the rage when it sets in?? Why is the rage triggered by such insignificant things?? I lost my last set of contacts, and as a result my colon/semi-colon key on my brand new laptop is permanently loose. I misplace some paperwork at work for a just a few moments, and I come thisclose to embarrassing myself with a temper tantrum from hell. A conversation with the boyfriend is cut off, and I can't stop crying.

And my brain. My fucking brain. It doesn't want to function the way it should. I've always been slightly scatter-brained, but when I have to add up the years in my head to figure out how old I am, there's something wrong.

I find it hard to be happy these days. I'm find around friends, laughing and having a good time. But in general, I'm...indifferent. My summer ended badly, and the fall was miserable. But usually when I'm not happy, I'm begging for the world around me to send something pleasant my way. But not lately. I'm indifferent. I could care less if I woke up tomorrow and found my cats had staked out the living room for their personal litter box and had eaten my hamsters. I would look at the mess around me, and walk out the door without another word. (I've done this once or twice after finding the hamster cage knocked onto the floor. No worries, I eventually came back to rescue the hamsters.) I just. Don't. Care.

Work is fine, but my scatter-brained ways are escalating, and it's secretly frustrating me. I would be caught up on my regular work if the additional duties weren't constantly interrupting. As the new unit fitness program manager, I'm stressed. I completely revamped the program, and no one seems to be happy about it. I'm not the only who can see the benefits of my new program. But everyone is looking for something to bitch about, and they've chosen to bitch about this. I'd feel so much better if I could just tell all the nay-sayers to fuck off and go to PT, but then I imagine DM having a stroke, so I manage to restrain myself. I guess I have taken too much responsibility on my shoulder. There is one other UFPM, and I think my monopolizing of the duties is frustrating him. I need to slow down, relax, and prioritize.

But at this exact moment, none of that is really bothering me. What bothers me is the interrupted conversation. This is so upsetting that there are no words to describe what I'm feeling right now. And as important or unimportant as the topic may have been, I'm sure it will now go the way of all our cut off discussions: nowhere. We talk about something important, one or both of us has to cut it short, we promise to continue the discussion later, and we NEVER continue it. Never, ever. And this makes me want to throw my brand new laptop across the room, which would no doubt cause more damage than just a permanently loose key on my keyboard. And would probably give my father a heart attack.

I can think of no immediate solutions to any of my problems. At least, none that would a) work, or b) be acceptable. And I think if anyone tried to give me advice right now, I'd punch them. No, I don't want to talk about it.

The one good thing today?? Mary gave me flowers. Well, fake flowers, but flowers nonetheless. I don't see anyone else giving flowers right now. I love tutoring.

1 comment:

rowan said...

I understand. I could have written this. I wish I had clever words of wisdom or advice. The only thing I know is one day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time. Just keep moving. (how many bad cliches can I find?) See if you can find something to shake up the routine; a movie, a hobby... distractions work sometimes for me.