Friday, December 31, 2010

The end of a year...and the death of hope.

I always knew, in the back of my mind, that my first pregnancy would not be a bright thing. That it would end in misery, not in joy.

As we speak, my body reabsorbs that which is not viable, that fading spark of life that had been my one hope, my one chance at motherhood. I will never know what it is to bear a child in my womb. I will never hold it in my arms, never feel a mother's love.

No, that last part is wrong, for I knew it briefly. From the moment I saw that plus sign, I loved that tiny spark of life with every fiber of my being. Unplanned as it was, I was so grateful for the chance...a chance that will never be.

I only write this to get it all out at once. I do not seek sympathy or pity. I do not relish explaining this over and over. I'm ripping off the scab all at once. I do not wish to discuss this. I do not crave consolation. I just want to get on with my life...and forget as quickly as possible.

That is all.
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1 comment:

Monica said...

That sucks.

But I can say from experience that when the powers that be deem it, it will happen again. And this was but a glance, a mind set if you will, of what could be.

Grieve now for what you lost but know that something amazing will come.