The end of a year...and the death of hope.

I always knew, in the back of my mind, that my first pregnancy would not be a bright thing. That it would end in misery, not in joy.

As we speak, my body reabsorbs that which is not viable, that fading spark of life that had been my one hope, my one chance at motherhood. I will never know what it is to bear a child in my womb. I will never hold it in my arms, never feel a mother's love.

No, that last part is wrong, for I knew it briefly. From the moment I saw that plus sign, I loved that tiny spark of life with every fiber of my being. Unplanned as it was, I was so grateful for the chance...a chance that will never be.

I only write this to get it all out at once. I do not seek sympathy or pity. I do not relish explaining this over and over. I'm ripping off the scab all at once. I do not wish to discuss this. I do not crave consolation. I just want to get on with my life...and forget as quickly as possible.

That is all.

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Pirate Spawn at six weeks.

I am six weeks pregnant today by my calculations (or should I say, by the calculations of the apps I'm using on my phone).

I still have 34 weeks to go...ugh! Which is 238 days...double ugh!

I'm starting my seventh week of pregnancy, and the embryo that will henceforth be dubbed "Pirate Spawn" looks like an alien with a tail and a large head with nostrils and lips and eyes. It has a beating heart (!) and is developing it's liver, kidneys, etc. It has developed it's placenta and amniotic sac, and the placenta is burrowing into my uterine wall to leech the oxygen and nutrients from my bloodstream.

So basically it's my very own sweet pea-sized parasite.

Oh, and did you know that up to 50% of pregnant women get hemorrhoids? Yep, that's right. If you thought pregnancy was all glowing skin and and content mama, you thought wrong. We all thought wrong. We were lied to. Damn you, society!!

So far, the worst of my symptoms is lethargy and occasional cramping in my leg due to a lot of the blood in my body making a beeline for my womb. Also, ever since my mom told me to drink lots of milk, that's all I want.

Watched a fascinating documentary the other night called "The Business of Being Born". It takes harder look quality of maternal care in this great nation of ours, and gives it a poor score. Here are a couple of things states in the documentary:

The United States has the second worst newborn death rate in the developed world.

The U.S. has one of the highest maternal mortality rates among all industrialized countries.

Since 1996 the Cesarean section rate has risen 46%.

The documentary also explores the benefits of natural births assisted by midwives. After watching that, I am seriously considering it. I am fortunate that my health insurance will cover that...the trouble is trying to find a birthing center or a midwife via the website. I guess I'll just have to talk to the doctor when I see him on Monday.

Merry Christmas, all!

Net Neutrality.

http://www.theopeninter.net/

Let's do it for our kids.

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I might be in way over my head.

Just a little...

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The beginning of a new chapter in the adventures of this pirate.

I am pregnant.

A little over five weeks.

The embryo is the size of on orange seed.

Estimated due date: sometime in August, by my math.

I have 8 months to do what has not been accomplished in 25 years of life: grow the fuck up.

In-flight private jokes.

There I was at gate A4, waiting to board my flight go Detroit, when what to my wo/andering* eyes should appear...but the same Delta employee who was so "helpful" in getting myself, Deer Hunter, and Canuck "re-routed" for our Korea trip.** Naturally I texted them.

Deer Hunter: Tell him not to lose your bags this time!

Canuck: Make sure he doesn't fuck with your bag!

To which I responded, "I'd make a special trip back here just to cut off his face. [...] He would not live to see 2011."

Upon my arrival at Detroit, I texted them again.

"I finally made it to Detroit to catch my connecting flight...only took me four months!"

*I can't remember if it was "wondering eyes" or "wandering eyes" in "The Night Before Christmas". I'm 90% sure it's the first one, tho...
**Reference late-July 2010 blog post entitled "May Delta Airlines burn..."

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